Have you ever found yourself thinking, “I don't know what I want anymore”?
Maybe you've spent a lot of time trying to make the right decisions, keep everyone happy, or simply get through a difficult period in your life. You know something feels off, but you're not quite sure what you want to move toward.
When life feels overwhelming, it can be difficult to think beyond what's immediately in front of you. Sometimes, the things that matter most to us gradually get pushed aside as we focus on managing everything else.
This is something I often explore with clients through Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), an approach that helps people develop greater psychological flexibility and make choices that reflect what's important to them.
One of the questions we explore is: What kind of life do you want to be living, and what matters enough to you that you're willing to take steps toward it, even when life feels difficult?
This is where understanding your values can be helpful.
What Are Personal Values, and Why Do They Matter?
Your values reflect what's genuinely important to you and the qualities you want to bring into your life. They help define the kind of person you want to be, how you want to treat others, and what you want your life to stand for.
You might value connection, honesty, creativity, learning, compassion, independence, health, or personal growth.There isn't one correct set of values. What's meaningful to you may look different from what's important to someone else, and that's okay.
I like to think of values as a compass. They give you a sense of direction and something to come back to when you're making decisions, navigating challenges, or feeling uncertain about what comes next.
Living in alignment with your values can also help you feel more connected to a sense of meaning and purpose. Research on ACT suggests that developing psychological flexibility and engaging in values-driven action can contribute to greater psychological well-being and life satisfaction.
What's the Difference Between Values and Goals?
Values and goals work together, but they serve different purposes.Your values provide direction, while your goals are specific steps you can take in that direction.
For example:
Value
- Connection
- Health
- Learning
- Creativity
- Family
Goal
- Call a friend once a week
- Go for a walk three times this week
- Take a course or read a book
- Set aside 10 minutes to work on a creative project
- Plan some one-on-one time with your child
A goal is something you can accomplish, while a value can continue guiding your choices over time.
This distinction can be particularly helpful when life changes. Maybe you had a goal of running a marathon, but an injury means that's no longer realistic right now. If the value behind that goal was health, perseverance, or personal growth, you can explore other ways to express that value while you recover.
Your goals can change as your circumstances change, while your values continue to provide direction.
Why Can It Be Difficult to Live According to Your Values?
Knowing what matters to you and consistently making choices that reflect those values can be two different things.
When you're experiencing anxiety, stress, depression, relationship difficulties, or uncertainty, much of your energy may go toward managing how you're feeling or getting through the day.
You might value connection but find yourself withdrawing from friends because social situations feel overwhelming. You might value personal growth but hesitate to try something new because you're worried about failing. Or you might value honesty but find it difficult to express your needs because you're afraid of disappointing someone.
These responses often make sense in the context of what you're experiencing. Avoiding something uncomfortable can provide immediate relief, and sometimes you genuinely need time, rest, or space to manage what you're going through.
But if your decisions become increasingly focused on avoiding difficult thoughts and feelings, you may find yourself moving further away from the things that give your life meaning.
This is where psychological flexibility, one of the central ideas in ACT, becomes important.
Psychological flexibility involves being able to acknowledge your thoughts and emotions, remain connected to the present, and make choices that reflect your values.
For example, you might feel anxious about reaching out to a friend while also recognizing how important that relationship is to you. Psychological flexibility gives you the opportunity to acknowledge the anxiety and still choose to connect.
The aim is to build your capacity to respond to difficult experiences in ways that support the life you want to live.
How Do You Figure Out What Your Values Are?
Sometimes people have a clear sense of what matters to them. Other times, particularly after a difficult experience or a long period of prioritizing other people's needs, identifying personal values can take some reflection.
If you're not sure where to start, I often encourage people to think about the moments, relationships, and experiences that have felt most meaningful to them.
You might ask yourself:
- What gives me a sense of meaning or purpose?
- When do I feel most like myself?
- What qualities do I want to bring to my relationships?
- What kind of person do I want to be, particularly when things are difficult?
- If I felt less influenced by fear or other people's expectations, what might I choose to prioritize?
It can also help to explore why something is important to you.
For example, maybe you identify your career as one of the most important parts of your life.
What is it about your career that matters to you?
Perhaps it's the opportunity to keep learning, contribute to something meaningful, express your creativity, achieve personal goals, or create financial security.
Understanding what makes something meaningful can help you identify the underlying values you want to carry into other areas of your life.
You may also find that some of your values have changed over time. Different experiences, relationships, and stages of life can influence what feels most important to you.
The goal is to develop a clearer understanding of what genuinely matters to you right now.
How Can You Start Living According to Your Values?
Once you've identified a few values, the next step is finding ways to express them in your everyday life.
I often encourage clients to start small. You don't need to make a major life change to begin living more intentionally.
Choose one value that's important to you right now and ask yourself:
“If this really matters to me, what's one thing I could do this week that would reflect it?”
For example:
- If you value connection, you might send a message to someone you care about or make plans to spend time together.
- If you value health, you might take a 15-minute walk or make time for some much-needed rest.
- If you value creativity, you might spend 10 minutes drawing, writing, or doing something you enjoy.
- If you value being a present and supportive parent, you might create a few minutes of uninterrupted time to connect with your child.
- If you value learning, you might explore a topic you've been curious about or try something new.
The action itself doesn't need to be particularly big or impressive. What matters is that it reflects something meaningful to you.
One question I particularly like to use is:
“Is this a small step toward the person I want to be?”
You can come back to this question when you're making decisions, considering opportunities, or feeling unsure about what to do next.
And as you begin taking those steps, pay attention to what the experience is like. You might notice a greater sense of purpose, connection, or satisfaction from doing something that reflects your values.
You might also notice some anxiety, uncertainty, or discomfort along the way. Both experiences can be present at the same time.
What If Your Actions Don't Always Align With Your Values?
As you become more aware of your values, you may start noticing areas of your life where your choices don't always reflect what's important to you.
This can actually be a valuable part of the process.
Rather than viewing that difference as a personal failure, you can use it as an opportunity to better understand yourself.
For example, if you value connection but often find yourself declining invitations, you might become curious about what's making connection difficult right now.
Is it anxiety? Exhaustion? Fear of rejection? A need for more balance in your schedule?
Understanding what's happening gives you more information about what you might need in order to move toward that value.
Sometimes the next step involves making room for an uncomfortable feeling. Other times, it might involve adjusting your expectations, setting a boundary, asking for support, or finding a different way to express what matters to you.
Living according to your values is an ongoing practice of noticing, reflecting, and making intentional choices.
There will be times when this feels easier and times when it takes more effort. Each new situation gives you another opportunity to reconnect with what's important.
You Can Take Meaningful Steps Even When Life Feels Difficult
One of the things I appreciate most about ACT is that it recognizes that difficult thoughts and emotions are part of being human.
You can feel anxious and still value connection. You can experience self-doubt and still pursue personal growth. You can feel uncertain about the future and still make choices that reflect the kind of life you want to build.
This doesn't mean pushing yourself beyond what you're ready for. It means recognizing that difficult feelings and meaningful action can exist together.
The research on ACT highlights how acceptance, psychological flexibility, and values-guided action can support well-being by helping people engage more fully in the things that matter to them (Anusuya & Gayatridevi, 2025).
One question that can be particularly helpful during challenging moments is:
“Given that this is how I'm feeling right now, what matters to me, and what's one small step I can take in that direction?”
You might not have control over every circumstance you're facing, but this question can help you recognize where you have opportunities to make meaningful choices.
How Can Therapy Help You Live According to Your Values?
Sometimes identifying what matters to you comes naturally, but putting those values into practice feels much more complicated.
You might value close relationships but struggle with vulnerability or fear of rejection. You might value independence but find yourself making decisions based on other people's expectations. Or you might feel disconnected from yourself and have difficulty identifying what gives your life meaning.
These are all things we can explore in therapy.
Working with a therapist can help you clarify your values, better understand the thoughts, emotions, and patterns that influence your choices, and develop greater psychological flexibility.
Together, we can explore what a meaningful and fulfilling life looks like for you and identify realistic opportunities to bring your values into your everyday experiences.
You don't need to have everything figured out before you begin.
Sometimes, living more intentionally starts with one simple question:
“What matters to me, and what's one thing I can do today that moves me in that direction?”
I'm Olivia Baldwin - a practicum and MEd counselling student at Foothills Integrative Psychology and Neurotherapy. I use ACT to help people reconnect with their values and start living the life they want to live.
If you've been feeling disconnected from what matters to you or uncertain about what direction to take next, our free 20-minute consultation is an opportunity for us to talk about what you've been experiencing, ask questions, and explore whether therapy might be a good fit.
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